I woke up and it was morning.

Do you know that feeling? – It enters in you and you are not sure how or why. And in the end, after trying everything to figure it out, you start to believe it has always been in some part of you, hiding, waiting to make you see it has it always was a part of what you are.

You yearn for something you don’t really know what is – your arms grow old, your eyes are full of water and you can’t shake that little feeling that somehow you’re not where you are supposed to be. You want to run. You want to run so fast. You want to run until you die.  Until you cannot breath anymore. You want to be tired, to feel tired, and lay on the ground looking to the nowhere. Because nowhere remembers of you. Nowhere remembers of him.
Remembers of all the things you always think you’ve forgotten, but that keep coming back to you – Like if they don’t really want to go. – Those things you held so strongly that your fingers started to bleed. That your head could not articulate another though about it before seeing it all go to hell.

One day you give up. Days like that, you just give up.

Do you know that way? That way you can’t forget how someone’s eyes shine and make the world feel so right. The way someone rips off the laughter from you. That laughter that you thought it was dead and gone. The way he does it, like it was easy, and you can only let it go. You just know to let it go. As well as you let go the chains around your heart so you can feel a bit more. Because something demands you to feel a bit more. – And you get so scared, you get so fucking scared that you can’t move.

Don’t you miss that? Don’t you wonder why you miss that?

You just want to feel. To feel something so different it ends up working like a cure. Something that had the strength to pull you from underneath and made you show. With no fear. Something you can finally feel it is right to be. 

Do you know when your lungs seem paralyzed?

And you keep falling in a space that has no real space, in a time that walks much more slowly than what they say. And it feels quite sad but you can’t say no to that sadness. Because you need it once in a while, you need your lungs paralyzed, so you can paralyze too. You need to fall in time and space and be absolutely nothing but an empty melody disappearing so slowly and lowering. So lowering no one can really hear the collapse on your innards.

It feels right to fall sometimes, you know. It feels good to be alone. Completely alone with a world that doesn’t cares and keeps going in the outside for company. And the sadness it’s sweet and embraces you, cuddles with you and you don’t fear it the way you used to do. It is not violent anymore, but kind of completes you.

And those days? Do you know those days you wake up and put your feet in the ground and the world is spinning in your head like carrousels do? You see light, you see colors, you see people, stopped images and suspended quotes you wish you had never seen, heard. You want to throw up. You want to cry. You want to cry so hard for all the years you didn’t cried. You want to keep sitting in your bed with your feet on the ground and your eyes closed, taking time to fall apart. Taking time to be broken, to feel small, to feel terribly alone for all the times you didn’t. For all the times you were a rock for you and for everyone else.

You just want to take time to feel your own misery running crazy in your veils, your own misunderstood jumping and screaming in your stomach.

Once so strong, but you just want to feel weak once in a while to know how it tastes. To rest your heart and can go back to sleep a bit more.

Do you know those moments? Those endlessly moments you feel all the feelings of the world dancing in your belly, singing to you with sweet voices and deafening shouts, burning in your hands – You want to say to someone “I think I am going crazy!”, but you keep quiet. As quiet as quiet can be.

You want to grab someone’s arm and beg them to make you feel right again. Normal, at least.
“I think I am going crazy”, you scream. But they just don’t speak. And your mouth is open, your eyes are gaping and seems like something has escaped from you.

You just can miss it. You can just fucking miss it, and you don’t even know where to turn.

In your chest there’s a craving  for the old hugs and for the ones you want to give now. A craving for that brown eyes you want to stare at so you can know them better, but you can’t look directly because you think you might die. You might die of joy and sadness. And the happiness u felt for that color, for that shape leaves you with nothing but a kind of passive acceptance.
All you want is to feel. To feel okay, to feel in love with every day. But then, there you go! You find those skeletons in your back and they pull you back and forth on your knees. And they tell you that for some reason you can’t do it again. Not now.

And you have no clue what the hell is happening with you. With your eyes, heart and the mouth. With your legs, with your arms. With your reasons and your decisions. With your courage and your strength.

Sometimes you  wish you were dead.

Do you feel like sigh sometimes?

Just sigh while you still tall over something. Over something you leave before you could know what would be.

Sometimes sigh feels like having a burn – You know the mark will stay but you just keep taking care of it until you can ignore it. And then just stays in your skin for others to see. Thanks God no one asks you what is that – Because you remember quite well. You always will. So they hear you sigh and you wish they never ask why.

Do you know that feeling? You want so much to know where do that come from. Or why it came. But you wish it is something yours. Something so yours that make you what you are, so what you are that when the world turns around you are safe inside you. Like if you have found a home.

But you know. You know so well that home is where heart is, and your heart is always so far from you, living in other chests. Hoping to be seen. Hoping to be heard. Hoping to feel, really at home.

Do you know that feeling? Yeah you know, because all of us are searching for the reason. For the meaning. All of us are trying to stop the world from spinning before we are safe.

But safe is something you can never be. (someone once told me)

So, I know that feeling. I’ll feel it once in a while. And it’s okay, it never takes too long.